October 28, 2006

Linerider will take that five minutes and turn it into an hour.
That is inflation for you!


October 28, 2006

If everything old is new again (also known as Madonna has a new CD out) then surely the much awaited return of the humble moustache is just around the corner if not actually there, visible, bristling with macho godliness on the horizon.

Let’s face it, the FBG or Full Blown Goatee, like James Blunt’s soppy lyrics, has been relegated to ‘a thing of the past’. Unless of course your ‘thing’ is drinking cheap bourbon and colafrom a can, driving a car still in primer and thinking trackie dacks are a universal fashion garment suitable for all occasions. The FBG still reigns supreme here like crap popcorn at a cinema.

The FBG was of course replaced by the LLHM or Lower Lip Hitler Mo.
It comes in two varieties:

1. The standard LLHM which is basically a one centimetre by one centimetre fuzzy growth eminating from below the lower lip in a central location.


2. Accompanied by the FCC or Furry Chin Chisel which is basically a closely cropped bottom of a goatee.

Together the LLHM and FCC have provided men with a more modern facial follicle facade as a viable alternative to the traditional clean shave for the past few years.

But JAMS asks is it time to move on again?
Is it time to return to the more traditional family values of a good honest mo? (and we are not talking lawns either!)

If it was good enough for seventies porno films it is surely good enough for the average man in the street!

All it needs to get the ball rolling quicker than loud shirts at a bowling alley is a role model. A spokesman if you like. A walking advertisement. Somebody males the world over look up to and respect as the quintessential epitome of male virility.

That is why I believe it is up to Sir Elton John to rehash the tash!


October 24, 2006

If Maxwell Smart walked backwards could he reverse the charges on his shoe ‘phone?


October 21, 2006

Yes, I know they are more full of crap than a busted toilet or an election promise but have a squiz at my horoscope  from a leading Melbourne daily newspaper for today:

Through the majority of the day you should be able to get a working matter completed. This may sound boring, but it is an appropriate thing to be doing as there is little motivation for much else. Besides, you’ll feel pretty good knowing you got it completed. It’d be nice to do something a little out of the ordinary later on, only if you feel like it though. Otherwise, take it easy.

It starts out okay.
Turns out that even though it is Saturday I will be going in to work. Spooky! How did they know?
And I sorta feel pretty good – it’s double dollars for weekend shifts.

But what exactly are they hinting at here “It’d be nice to do something a little out of the ordinary later on, only if you feel like it though. Otherwise, take it easy.”?

You don’t think I got Madonna’s horoscope by accident do you?


October 20, 2006

Do the French blog arrogantly?


October 20, 2006

I’ve got my reasons mind you.

I’ve been battling a ‘medical condition’ of late that I still haven’t overcome.

Back in June, cashed up with my tax return cheque, I hit the local pub scene with the sole purpose of getting laid.
Wasn’t after a conversation.
Wasn’t after a second helping.
And definitely wasn’t after breakfast.

So anyhoo, I hook up with this maddy named Veronica Stetson. But to protect her identity let’s call her Back Alley Sally (BAS). BAS is clearly out on the chase also and is more than good to go which is a huge bonus cos I really couldn’t be bothered getting her and me all lagered up for the event.

Bless her heart BAS was as keen as she was mad and we soon found ourselves in the back of my work van where she exploded quicker than you can say North Korea. About twenty or so minutes in though things start taking a ‘turn’.

“I wanna whip you”, BAS screams.

“WHAT!?!?”, I reply suddenly frightened.

“I wanna whip you. It really gets me off”, she yells.

And with that she rips off the radio antenna from my van and starts whacking my arse like there is no tomorrow.

Well there was a tomorrow.
And my arse looked like bok choy.
Two weeks later I still couldn’t sit down so I went to see a doctor.
No sooner had I dropped my strides then the Doc just gasped in horror.

“Is it bad Doc?” I whimpered.

“Bad?”, says the Doc, “This is the worse case of van aerial disease I’ve ever seen!”


June 30, 2006

He of the white pants and maracas, Peter Allen, said it best:

“I’ve been to cities that never close down,
From New York to Rio and old London town,
But no matter how far or how wide I roam,
The crazy women all call Melbourne home!”

There are many truisms in this world…..

– There is no such thing as a pretty Goth chick.
– Volvo is a Swedish word meaning ’10 kilometres slower than the rest of traffic’.
– Never buy take away food on a Monday morning.

….. just to name a few.

Well you can add single women in their mid 30’s are all crazy to the list!

Infact they are not just crazy.
It all starts out sorta ‘nice and normal’. Quiet chats lead to further extended chats, maybe a meal and if you’re really lucky some action. But within the space of a week they have unloaded three decades of hang ups, hiccups and histrionics on the poor unsuspecting male in some bizarre preying-mantis mental ritual.

At which point the punch drunk male starts doing his income sex return – she’s clearly mad and obviously not good for my own mental stability but I think I can hold out for another month. Which then sees the same process repeated again and again in single’s bars all over town. If they enforced a ‘Crazy Women Not Allowed’ door policy these joints would be empty!

Yet married women in their mid 30’s seem incredibly well adjusted, sane and balanced.
Which begs the question, is the trick to get them while they’re young or to keep them sedated when they’re old?

I am happily, just a man!


June 18, 2006

It's National Men's Health Week here in Australia and JAMS would like to take this opportunity to encourage all our male readers in the forty plus age bracket to do the right thing and have their prostate checked.

Personally I ask the doctor if he could use two fingers because I want a second opinion 🙂

I am just a man.


June 18, 2006

What is the deal with seemingly intelligent women and the stooooooopid stoopid names they give their kids?

Yes, I am talking about the Womb Raider.
And yes, I am absolving the Pittster of all guilt.
He wooda just done what most blokes do in this situation – made a few suggestions, nodded a few times, feined interest, helped with a short list containing one of his suggestions and four hundred and ninety nine of hers and then just closed his eyes, thought why the heck are we having the birth in Namibia when all our family are in the U.S. and just accepted his fate.

So don't even suggest that Brad had anything to do with Shiloh Nouvel.
Just as no fella had a hand in Ginger Spice's Bluebell Madonna, Gwyneth's Apple or anything serial child naming abuser Madonna could churn out.

Nope. When it comes to stoooooopid names the ladies are only rivalled by Michael Jackson – and he's not really a man!

What I want to know though is what exactly is the motivation so many women have that sees them commit these crimes against children's names so willingly?

Literally translated from Hebrew and French Brangelina's poor urchin and Namibia's most famous export means New Messiah.

NEW MESSIAH!!!!!!!!!????????

That's not only a stooooooopid name but one hell of a massive burden for any child.
I actually read in one of the glossy mags (yes, I do research!) that this was the most anticipated birth since Jesus! Now correct me if I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure Joseph was more shocked than anticipating his sudden change of luck. Well, if you believe Mary's version of the events anyway.
What in, dare I say it, God's name is wrong with something pretty and Biblical like Sarah, Rachel or even Mary?
And don't get me started on all those suburban mums who name their kids after American states and cities – Dakota, Indiana, Phoenix, Alabama. Thankfully some poor child has been spared Pittsburgh. But it's only a matter of time I guess.

WOTW (Women Of The World – remember this, it could get a good run over the next year or so) wake up!!!
Your child is not special.
Your child is just another beautiful new born being.
Giving it a stooooooopid name does NOT make it more special.
So stop it and stop it now!

The more I try to learn about women the less I understand about them.

But of course, I am just a man.


June 13, 2006

 Seven words to put the fear of God into any man.

politically incorrect I know

The question however never seems to be asked first thing on a Sunday morning. Nor does it raise it's ugly head on a workday when it seems any old outfit will do.

Noooooooooo. That would be far too easy.

This little baby gets dragged out only when a couple is getting dressed for an 'evening out'. You know the scene fellas – you've already decided what you are wearing and taken all of five minutes to slap it on while she pulls garment after garment out of draws, closets and who knows where to put on an impromptu fashion show. (which is entertaining in itself because what male ever tires of watching a female disrobe over and over again?)

So the black skirt goes on.
She swivels left in front of the mirror.
She swivels right in front of the mirror.
And then asks the question.

It's at this point the male must make a decision:

1. Do I want this quasi strip show to continue but at the same time risk annoying her and blowing all chance of a good night by saying "YES! You do have a fat arse".


2. Lie. Not only do I want to get some action tonight but I also want to leave within the next ten minutes.

Once again the politics of the male and female body corporate clash.
She wants an honest answer. (but really doesn't care about honesty and will settle for reassurance)
And he just wants to get going. (but thinks maybe if she eased off on the biscuits this wouldn't be an issue)

I, for one, have always lied.
Firstly, it's easier.
Secondly, I don't mind a bit of excess luggage in the caboose.

But is this the right thing to do?
Afterall, females bombard us with wanting honesty in a relationship.

Am I doing the wrong thing by hedging my bets?

I am when all is said and done…..

Just a man!