Archive for June, 2006

MELBOURNE – AUSTRALIA’S HOME OF GREAT COFFEE, FINE FOOD & CRAZY WOMEN

June 30, 2006

He of the white pants and maracas, Peter Allen, said it best:

“I’ve been to cities that never close down,
From New York to Rio and old London town,
But no matter how far or how wide I roam,
The crazy women all call Melbourne home!”

There are many truisms in this world…..

– There is no such thing as a pretty Goth chick.
– Volvo is a Swedish word meaning ’10 kilometres slower than the rest of traffic’.
– Never buy take away food on a Monday morning.

….. just to name a few.

Well you can add single women in their mid 30’s are all crazy to the list!

Infact they are not just crazy.
THEY ARE SCARY!!!!!
It all starts out sorta ‘nice and normal’. Quiet chats lead to further extended chats, maybe a meal and if you’re really lucky some action. But within the space of a week they have unloaded three decades of hang ups, hiccups and histrionics on the poor unsuspecting male in some bizarre preying-mantis mental ritual.

At which point the punch drunk male starts doing his income sex return – she’s clearly mad and obviously not good for my own mental stability but I think I can hold out for another month. Which then sees the same process repeated again and again in single’s bars all over town. If they enforced a ‘Crazy Women Not Allowed’ door policy these joints would be empty!

Yet married women in their mid 30’s seem incredibly well adjusted, sane and balanced.
Which begs the question, is the trick to get them while they’re young or to keep them sedated when they’re old?

I am happily, just a man!

MEN’S HEALTH WEEK

June 18, 2006

It's National Men's Health Week here in Australia and JAMS would like to take this opportunity to encourage all our male readers in the forty plus age bracket to do the right thing and have their prostate checked.

Personally I ask the doctor if he could use two fingers because I want a second opinion 🙂

I am just a man.

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUDDHA

June 18, 2006

Okay.
What is the deal with seemingly intelligent women and the stooooooopid stoopid names they give their kids?

Yes, I am talking about the Womb Raider.
And yes, I am absolving the Pittster of all guilt.
He wooda just done what most blokes do in this situation – made a few suggestions, nodded a few times, feined interest, helped with a short list containing one of his suggestions and four hundred and ninety nine of hers and then just closed his eyes, thought why the heck are we having the birth in Namibia when all our family are in the U.S. and just accepted his fate.

So don't even suggest that Brad had anything to do with Shiloh Nouvel.
Just as no fella had a hand in Ginger Spice's Bluebell Madonna, Gwyneth's Apple or anything serial child naming abuser Madonna could churn out.

Nope. When it comes to stoooooopid names the ladies are only rivalled by Michael Jackson – and he's not really a man!

What I want to know though is what exactly is the motivation so many women have that sees them commit these crimes against children's names so willingly?

Literally translated from Hebrew and French Brangelina's poor urchin and Namibia's most famous export means New Messiah.

NEW MESSIAH!!!!!!!!!????????

That's not only a stooooooopid name but one hell of a massive burden for any child.
I actually read in one of the glossy mags (yes, I do research!) that this was the most anticipated birth since Jesus! Now correct me if I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure Joseph was more shocked than anticipating his sudden change of luck. Well, if you believe Mary's version of the events anyway.
What in, dare I say it, God's name is wrong with something pretty and Biblical like Sarah, Rachel or even Mary?
And don't get me started on all those suburban mums who name their kids after American states and cities – Dakota, Indiana, Phoenix, Alabama. Thankfully some poor child has been spared Pittsburgh. But it's only a matter of time I guess.

WOTW (Women Of The World – remember this, it could get a good run over the next year or so) wake up!!!
Your child is not special.
Your child is just another beautiful new born being.
Giving it a stooooooopid name does NOT make it more special.
So stop it and stop it now!

The more I try to learn about women the less I understand about them.

But of course, I am just a man.

DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS?

June 13, 2006

 Seven words to put the fear of God into any man.

politically incorrect I know

The question however never seems to be asked first thing on a Sunday morning. Nor does it raise it's ugly head on a workday when it seems any old outfit will do.

Noooooooooo. That would be far too easy.

This little baby gets dragged out only when a couple is getting dressed for an 'evening out'. You know the scene fellas – you've already decided what you are wearing and taken all of five minutes to slap it on while she pulls garment after garment out of draws, closets and who knows where to put on an impromptu fashion show. (which is entertaining in itself because what male ever tires of watching a female disrobe over and over again?)

So the black skirt goes on.
She swivels left in front of the mirror.
She swivels right in front of the mirror.
And then asks the question.

It's at this point the male must make a decision:

1. Do I want this quasi strip show to continue but at the same time risk annoying her and blowing all chance of a good night by saying "YES! You do have a fat arse".

or

2. Lie. Not only do I want to get some action tonight but I also want to leave within the next ten minutes.

Once again the politics of the male and female body corporate clash.
She wants an honest answer. (but really doesn't care about honesty and will settle for reassurance)
And he just wants to get going. (but thinks maybe if she eased off on the biscuits this wouldn't be an issue)

I, for one, have always lied.
Firstly, it's easier.
Secondly, I don't mind a bit of excess luggage in the caboose.

But is this the right thing to do?
Afterall, females bombard us with wanting honesty in a relationship.

Am I doing the wrong thing by hedging my bets?

I am when all is said and done…..

Just a man!

LOO LOO SKIP TO MY LOO

June 11, 2006

or…..

FLUSHED WITH SUCCESS

or…..

WORLD IN CRISIS: PRESIDENT LEAVES TOILET SEAT UP!

Has there ever been a more symbolic example of the differences in male and female mindsets than that of the humble toilet seat? The shrine has inadvertently become a shrine – a shrine to the silent battle of the chromosomes.

I confess, I am a reformed toilet seat leaver upper. Years of training and reprogramming have finally made it habit and got me to the point of subconciously registering the sex of a toilet's previous user upon entering the smallest room in the house.

I don't have an issue with it. I do it out of courtesy not guilt.
After years of not thinking about it at all the penny finally dropped some time back that women really do like it that way.
My main beef is finding unflushed beef, skid marks or yellow peril. A different subject all together which has less to do with men and women and clearly more to do with barbaric primates.

So why do women have an issue with it?
That is the question.
Lid up or lid down a clean toilet is a clean toilet isn't it?

I was at a party the other night and stumbled into a conversation where three women were actually bemoaning their partners' inability to 'close the deal'. What I initially thought was an opening turned out to be all about closing.
It seemed no amount of nagging by the ladies could get the message through.

I offered them the lame excuse that it could be instinct. If a man, caught short, takes a leak in the woods he doesn't then cover his 'patch' with leaves he just leaves.
They countered with it was just laziness.
I ran to the net and volleyed that it can't be just laziness otherwise we would never close the front door on cold nights or turn the light off to go to sleep.
Then they lobbed one over my head to take the point with "if it's not laziness then it's just carelessness or thoughtlessness".

I had to agree.
But pressed on. If the contents had been disposed of properly does it really matter? Hoping that the subject of poor marksmanship would not, if I may be so bold, raise it's ugly head.
Thankfully it didn't, although much later in the party, I'm sure it would've.

Instead the over-riding theme was that "it just looked cleaner."
There was no scientific evidence, no clear hygenic proof – it just looked cleaner.
JUST LOOKED CLEANER?!?!?!?!
And I thought looks weren't as important to women!
Just how shallow are they!?

But then again…..
I am just a man.

IF IT AIN’T BROKEN DON’T FIX IT

June 5, 2006

Well it is broken and, tools or no tools, I do intend to fix it.

Howdy,
Before we get started on this journey of mutual self discovery I have not so creatively titled Just A Man I feel I should point out a few things:

  • This is not an us against them, men versus women thang. I love women and actually prefer their company to men. JAMS is instead merely an expression of one man's views on the ebb and flow of the male/female relationship. It is more about the differences that bind us together rather than those that push us apart.
  • As you will discover I am clearly not an expert on the subject.
  • I am not mangry. There is no hidden agenda here to "get even".
  • I am neither stubborn nor narrow minded and welcome any alternative thought or feedback.

So buckle up and join me in a drive through the slums and mansions of my mind as together we try to unlock the mysteries of life, love and happiness.

But remember…….

I am just a man!