Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

LESS IS MO

October 28, 2006

If everything old is new again (also known as Madonna has a new CD out) then surely the much awaited return of the humble moustache is just around the corner if not actually there, visible, bristling with macho godliness on the horizon.

Let’s face it, the FBG or Full Blown Goatee, like James Blunt’s soppy lyrics, has been relegated to ‘a thing of the past’. Unless of course your ‘thing’ is drinking cheap bourbon and colafrom a can, driving a car still in primer and thinking trackie dacks are a universal fashion garment suitable for all occasions. The FBG still reigns supreme here like crap popcorn at a cinema.

The FBG was of course replaced by the LLHM or Lower Lip Hitler Mo.
It comes in two varieties:

1. The standard LLHM which is basically a one centimetre by one centimetre fuzzy growth eminating from below the lower lip in a central location.

and

2. Accompanied by the FCC or Furry Chin Chisel which is basically a closely cropped bottom of a goatee.

Together the LLHM and FCC have provided men with a more modern facial follicle facade as a viable alternative to the traditional clean shave for the past few years.

But JAMS asks is it time to move on again?
Is it time to return to the more traditional family values of a good honest mo? (and we are not talking lawns either!)

If it was good enough for seventies porno films it is surely good enough for the average man in the street!

All it needs to get the ball rolling quicker than loud shirts at a bowling alley is a role model. A spokesman if you like. A walking advertisement. Somebody males the world over look up to and respect as the quintessential epitome of male virility.

That is why I believe it is up to Sir Elton John to rehash the tash!
 

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THE BURNING QUESTION

October 24, 2006

If Maxwell Smart walked backwards could he reverse the charges on his shoe ‘phone?

HERE’S ANUVVA THOUGHT

October 21, 2006

Yes, I know they are more full of crap than a busted toilet or an election promise but have a squiz at my horoscope  from a leading Melbourne daily newspaper for today:

Capricorn
Through the majority of the day you should be able to get a working matter completed. This may sound boring, but it is an appropriate thing to be doing as there is little motivation for much else. Besides, you’ll feel pretty good knowing you got it completed. It’d be nice to do something a little out of the ordinary later on, only if you feel like it though. Otherwise, take it easy.

It starts out okay.
Turns out that even though it is Saturday I will be going in to work. Spooky! How did they know?
And I sorta feel pretty good – it’s double dollars for weekend shifts.

But what exactly are they hinting at here “It’d be nice to do something a little out of the ordinary later on, only if you feel like it though. Otherwise, take it easy.”?

You don’t think I got Madonna’s horoscope by accident do you?

YEAH, YEAH…….LONG TIME NO BLOG!

October 20, 2006

I’ve got my reasons mind you.

I’ve been battling a ‘medical condition’ of late that I still haven’t overcome.

Back in June, cashed up with my tax return cheque, I hit the local pub scene with the sole purpose of getting laid.
Wasn’t after a conversation.
Wasn’t after a second helping.
And definitely wasn’t after breakfast.

So anyhoo, I hook up with this maddy named Veronica Stetson. But to protect her identity let’s call her Back Alley Sally (BAS). BAS is clearly out on the chase also and is more than good to go which is a huge bonus cos I really couldn’t be bothered getting her and me all lagered up for the event.

Bless her heart BAS was as keen as she was mad and we soon found ourselves in the back of my work van where she exploded quicker than you can say North Korea. About twenty or so minutes in though things start taking a ‘turn’.

“I wanna whip you”, BAS screams.

“WHAT!?!?”, I reply suddenly frightened.

“I wanna whip you. It really gets me off”, she yells.

And with that she rips off the radio antenna from my van and starts whacking my arse like there is no tomorrow.

Well there was a tomorrow.
And my arse looked like bok choy.
Two weeks later I still couldn’t sit down so I went to see a doctor.
No sooner had I dropped my strides then the Doc just gasped in horror.

“Is it bad Doc?” I whimpered.

“Bad?”, says the Doc, “This is the worse case of van aerial disease I’ve ever seen!”

MEN’S HEALTH WEEK

June 18, 2006

It's National Men's Health Week here in Australia and JAMS would like to take this opportunity to encourage all our male readers in the forty plus age bracket to do the right thing and have their prostate checked.

Personally I ask the doctor if he could use two fingers because I want a second opinion 🙂

I am just a man.

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUDDHA

June 18, 2006

Okay.
What is the deal with seemingly intelligent women and the stooooooopid stoopid names they give their kids?

Yes, I am talking about the Womb Raider.
And yes, I am absolving the Pittster of all guilt.
He wooda just done what most blokes do in this situation – made a few suggestions, nodded a few times, feined interest, helped with a short list containing one of his suggestions and four hundred and ninety nine of hers and then just closed his eyes, thought why the heck are we having the birth in Namibia when all our family are in the U.S. and just accepted his fate.

So don't even suggest that Brad had anything to do with Shiloh Nouvel.
Just as no fella had a hand in Ginger Spice's Bluebell Madonna, Gwyneth's Apple or anything serial child naming abuser Madonna could churn out.

Nope. When it comes to stoooooopid names the ladies are only rivalled by Michael Jackson – and he's not really a man!

What I want to know though is what exactly is the motivation so many women have that sees them commit these crimes against children's names so willingly?

Literally translated from Hebrew and French Brangelina's poor urchin and Namibia's most famous export means New Messiah.

NEW MESSIAH!!!!!!!!!????????

That's not only a stooooooopid name but one hell of a massive burden for any child.
I actually read in one of the glossy mags (yes, I do research!) that this was the most anticipated birth since Jesus! Now correct me if I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure Joseph was more shocked than anticipating his sudden change of luck. Well, if you believe Mary's version of the events anyway.
What in, dare I say it, God's name is wrong with something pretty and Biblical like Sarah, Rachel or even Mary?
And don't get me started on all those suburban mums who name their kids after American states and cities – Dakota, Indiana, Phoenix, Alabama. Thankfully some poor child has been spared Pittsburgh. But it's only a matter of time I guess.

WOTW (Women Of The World – remember this, it could get a good run over the next year or so) wake up!!!
Your child is not special.
Your child is just another beautiful new born being.
Giving it a stooooooopid name does NOT make it more special.
So stop it and stop it now!

The more I try to learn about women the less I understand about them.

But of course, I am just a man.

LOO LOO SKIP TO MY LOO

June 11, 2006

or…..

FLUSHED WITH SUCCESS

or…..

WORLD IN CRISIS: PRESIDENT LEAVES TOILET SEAT UP!

Has there ever been a more symbolic example of the differences in male and female mindsets than that of the humble toilet seat? The shrine has inadvertently become a shrine – a shrine to the silent battle of the chromosomes.

I confess, I am a reformed toilet seat leaver upper. Years of training and reprogramming have finally made it habit and got me to the point of subconciously registering the sex of a toilet's previous user upon entering the smallest room in the house.

I don't have an issue with it. I do it out of courtesy not guilt.
After years of not thinking about it at all the penny finally dropped some time back that women really do like it that way.
My main beef is finding unflushed beef, skid marks or yellow peril. A different subject all together which has less to do with men and women and clearly more to do with barbaric primates.

So why do women have an issue with it?
That is the question.
Lid up or lid down a clean toilet is a clean toilet isn't it?

I was at a party the other night and stumbled into a conversation where three women were actually bemoaning their partners' inability to 'close the deal'. What I initially thought was an opening turned out to be all about closing.
It seemed no amount of nagging by the ladies could get the message through.

I offered them the lame excuse that it could be instinct. If a man, caught short, takes a leak in the woods he doesn't then cover his 'patch' with leaves he just leaves.
They countered with it was just laziness.
I ran to the net and volleyed that it can't be just laziness otherwise we would never close the front door on cold nights or turn the light off to go to sleep.
Then they lobbed one over my head to take the point with "if it's not laziness then it's just carelessness or thoughtlessness".

I had to agree.
But pressed on. If the contents had been disposed of properly does it really matter? Hoping that the subject of poor marksmanship would not, if I may be so bold, raise it's ugly head.
Thankfully it didn't, although much later in the party, I'm sure it would've.

Instead the over-riding theme was that "it just looked cleaner."
There was no scientific evidence, no clear hygenic proof – it just looked cleaner.
JUST LOOKED CLEANER?!?!?!?!
And I thought looks weren't as important to women!
Just how shallow are they!?

But then again…..
I am just a man.

IF IT AIN’T BROKEN DON’T FIX IT

June 5, 2006

Well it is broken and, tools or no tools, I do intend to fix it.

Howdy,
Before we get started on this journey of mutual self discovery I have not so creatively titled Just A Man I feel I should point out a few things:

  • This is not an us against them, men versus women thang. I love women and actually prefer their company to men. JAMS is instead merely an expression of one man's views on the ebb and flow of the male/female relationship. It is more about the differences that bind us together rather than those that push us apart.
  • As you will discover I am clearly not an expert on the subject.
  • I am not mangry. There is no hidden agenda here to "get even".
  • I am neither stubborn nor narrow minded and welcome any alternative thought or feedback.

So buckle up and join me in a drive through the slums and mansions of my mind as together we try to unlock the mysteries of life, love and happiness.

But remember…….

I am just a man!